Monday, April 30, 2012

A story.....Bleeding on the floor....

Disclaimer: This is a story that is about all churches and no church.  My current church home which I adore happens to have the statement The hurting, the hopeless, the hungry.  So I'm using that but I'm thinking of churches I have attended from my childhood up.  I'm thinking of churches that I worked at.  I'm thinking of the body of Christ.  In an effort to move our hearts to be uncomfortable so ministry can happen in the church universal. (which is just a little funny since there are only a handful of you reading this.)  I guess it comes out of my own story as a prodigal and all the others I have seen bleeding.  May God help us all to be Christ like and to not to have to answer why we looked away or why we were indifferent or even hostile.  .

Now to the story....

I lie bleeding on the floor and you walk around me, pretending I'm not there.  You pray, God send us the hurting people, the hopeless, the hungry.  Than you pull back so I don't get blood on you from my bleeding broken heart.  You whisper in the corner about me, about my sin, forgetting how your own sin looked and forgetting the mercy that was given you.  I've lost hope but I show up.  But no one talks to me, no one smiles.   I'm hungry for more than food.  I would love a crumb of friendship?  Maybe just a sliver of a smile?  A kind word? Maybe not acceptance but at least not rejection.  I'm sorry for all the blood seeping but my life is a mess and I heard this was a spiritual hospital.  Was I wrong?  Was I misinformed?  Maybe I could sit here a little while.  I love the stories of that man.  Jesus?  I think that's His name.  They tell me He is the most wonderful man I will ever meet.  I'll leave soon.  I know the pain is too raw on my face but if I could just rest for a moment.  I'll be on my way I promise.  But I heard the singing was beautiful and this was a peaceful place.  A shelter from the storm my life is in.  As I sit I hear your laughter.  I cringe.  I hope you aren't laughing at me.  I can't tell.  Your voices sound just like out there.  But I pull into myself and try to hide.  I can't quite understand it all but if I could stay just a bit longer.  I know this place is yours and I'm trespassing.  But I'm hurting so.  I think the answers might be here.  What?  My time's up?  I didn't cover the pain and the blood and the rawness quick enough?  I'm not welcome.  I needed to become perfect  quicker?  Wait! I remember that man up front...he said there was none perfect, no not one.  Only that Jesus person.  That savior guy.  Okay, okay I'm going.  But before I leave I just want to point out that the smell of sin seems to still be coming from you.  Did you get healed or just cover the wounds?   I heard that real healing took place here.  Maybe they were wrong.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tears Happened at the Dentist Today

Woman Cleaning Her Teeth clipart

So yesterday I got a tooth pulled.  OUCH!!! Not a fun experience.  Thought I had dealt with a lot of my fears.  But I missed this one. For years dentists have terrified me. I actually cried because I was afraid.  I looked down at my hands...they were shaking and I was shaking deep inside.  For crying out loud!  I'm a mom of grown women and a grandma (Nonna) even.  And all I could think about was that awful experience I had years before at the dentist.  The dentist (who I found out later was rumored to have been a drinker) gave me 6 shots and than proceeded with me trying to tell him I wasn't numb.  He hit a nerve.  Thought I was going to die. He said "Maybe the doses were too weak"  MAYBE!    You may be asking "How did you let that happen?"  Well, back than I had lacked confidence in myself and was so afraid I didn't speak up loud enough or forcibley enough ....but now I would never let that happen to myself.  For instance yesterday it took 6 shots because I kept telling him it wasn't numb. But his attitude was completely supportive.  I could tell he wasn't proceeding until I was numb and comfortable.  Yay!  Thank God for good dentist.  But if he had been a bad one, I wouldn't have let him proceed until I was numb.  I've grown and watch out better for myself.

Anyway, fear kept me away from the dentist till I found myself losing a tooth.  So embarrassing.  But I'm so glad the pain is gone and encouraged that I can face my fears and maybe get my teeth in good shape.

It reminded me of sin.  How much sin do we not deal with because of fear?  We fear we will lose control of our own life.  We fear we won't have fun any more.  We fear we can't let go of something we need to let go of.  But whether you need to give your life to the Lord or you already have and you just need to let go of a sinful habit. Or maybe you need to let go of shame even though God has already forgiven you.  Face the fear!  Make peace with your creator, accept your savior.  It's so wonderful on the other side.  What an adventure!  What a great way to live.  Not a perfect way cause we are human and inherently imperfect, but Jesus is perfect and if we let Him he will give us his perfect love and wash away our sins and give us a clean slate, a new beginning.  And if you already follow him but find you need to deal with something.  He won't throw you away because you have an area in need of His help.  In fact,  He already knows about it.  And like an awesome perfect father He wants the best for you.  Life with Him is a constant ongoing place of growth and if you ask him he will bring healing and deliverance in all the crevices of your heart and mind.  I have followed him since I was a child.  Sometimes closely, sometimes far away.  But these last few years I have pressed in to Him and learned more about Him and spent more time with Him. How sweet it's been.  We, He and I are dealing with deep things.  Deep established sins, habits, fears, pains.  And let me tell you:  It's so sweet!  Let me invite you to find out for yourself.  Come follow Jesus, or press in closer if you already are.

Monday, April 9, 2012


Easter.   I would like to write about it.  But how do you capture the depth of it?  The beauty and drama of it?  How do you write with any kind of reverence that it deserves, about this story of love and grace and mercy?  This love story that was to be, long before time began.  How do you do it justice?  How do you capture such a great love?  The greatest love ever given?  How can mere words express the grandeur and majesty of it?  The depth of torture and pain of it?  How can mere words express the power of it?  Not me.  Not this year.  It feels too sacred for now.  Maybe sometime when the Holy Spirit gives me the right words.  For now  here are some words from Sacred Scripture:

 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16 NKJV

 But he said to them, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He is risen! He is not here.  Mark 16:6 

You can read more in any of the four gospels.  If you have never read it or haven't in a long time.  I suggest you go read this awesome love story.  It was written just for you.  

Love of Boxes and a side trip into my thoughts.

Boxes. I have this love of boxes. Don't know why. But I love them. Cute little ones, shoe boxes, paper mache boxes, those photo boxes in the stores, Mary Englbrett boxes, plain brown boxes, fancy boxes, refrigerator boxes (do you know the things you can make from one of those babies?  Keeps the little ones busy for hours).  Any and all boxes. Every kind. The lovely one my sister in law gave me with the beautiful music box in it.  Boxes, lovely boxes.

 I wonder if there is some deep psychological reason for this.  Some drama from my childhood?  Some need to have things in order?  Which I surely don't.   Some strange need to put everything in a box?  in a category?  What darkness lies behind it?

Nope... I'm not going there.  I am just leaving that alone for now.  Maybe sometime I will exam it. But for now  I'm going to just continue to love my boxes and the sweet joy I find in them.

Do you have a love of something particular?  Tell me about it.  I don't want to be the only one.